Guest Blog: I Got A Lot of Problems With You JP

Let me preface this post. I am Jesse, the insanely well-endowed, yet temporarily ED-esque impacted roommate of omnipotent blog creators Brandle, Walker and TJ. However, unlike said GRGGD originators, I am FAR from a Redskins fan. Unfortunately, I've had the pleasure of being a lifelong fan of everyone's favorite lovable losers, the Buffalo Bills.

We of the wide right field goal losers to the Giants in Super Bowl XXV; three straight ass-kicking homos in the following three SB's (one to the miserable Mark 'pot-faced, fugly ass QB' Rypien-led Redskins),; Homerun Throwback losers to the Titans in the 2000 playoffs which has since led to nine consecutive seasons of no playoffs berths; terrible, terrible losers to the Cowboys in our first MNF showing since colorized television in 2007; wide-right losers to the effing Browns and no touchdowns in back-to-back games against the 49ers and god damn Dolphins on that silly 110-yard CFL field in Toronto this season, Buffalo Bills.

Then today happened. Jonathan Paul Losman and his fragile, female grip happened. JPLo fumbled and threw away Buffalo's last chance at a playoff bid today in a 31-27 loss to the Jets. Runner-up FU to Jon Corto, who nullified Leo McKelvin's sweet-ass 100-yard would-be game-winning kickoff return in the 4th.

HOWEVER...JP, I'm gonna come at you, and only you, like a spider monkey. Way to spruce up that free-agency resume of yours, tell me how NFL Europa or AFL works out for you next year. Oh yeah, they aren't playing next year. Good luck in the CFL too, after that limp-wristed, piss-poor performance in Toronto last week.

Go party with Plax and Marshawn (no offense, you beast of a RB you) and get shot and run over simultaneously, all while us crazy Bills fans hurl full cans of ice-cold PBR at your Kyle Orton look-alike dome, your neard-wearing son-of-a-bitch. FU JPLo, FU. I'm tired.

Also got problems with JP? Air your laundry at http://www.jplosman7.com/ssp/inquiries.

--Jesse

At Least Mike Sellers Probably Permanently Injured the Bengals Kicker

So the Skins played like absolute turds. Complete, absolute, all-encompassing, infinity turds. We here at GRGGD have a proposition that no one on the offense should be allowed to touch the ball except for Santana Moss. We're thinking something like "Direct snap to Santana Moss.....Moss drops back and throws DEEEEEP downfield and it's CAUGHT BY SANTANA MOSS!!!" The ball was in the air for 89 yards, he threw the ball really high. So he could run and catch it. You heard it here first.

--Brandle

I'm Sick Of:

-The Lavender coats the Ravens' Coaching staff wears
-John Madden saying "Widgets and Gadgets"
-The Redskins active roster being replaced by the JV cheerleading squad from a local High School
-That ridiculous hat that that bitch Andrea Kramer is wearing. She looks like a melted skeletor-iced cream face
-That Bitch Andrea Kramer said "Ball Hawk" again. You heard it here first
-Michael Phelps wearing the same scarf as the woman next to him; with his hat turned to the "2 o'clock" position
-Studies proving that Ducat has the worst smelling shit/farts ever
-Sunday Night Football ending it's broadcast with a close up of the moon for some reason. Like a telescope type close up
-Leo Looking like John Harbaugh
-Oh, and The Murderers cheating their way to victor


--Brandon and Walker; and not TJ, because he is pregnant

Willis McGahee has 2 cheeks

Did you guy(s) see that fumble replay? I saw McGahee's ass.

It was hottt.

Love,
walker

p.s. Ray Lewis is a murderer.

Redskins-Ravens: Thoughts at Halftime

-My pregame prediction (see: earlier post) is still right on pace
-The dude from "Heros" has a weird face
-John Harbaugh still looks like a ham. Still.
-I did not know Terrell Owens hunted cheetahs....his press conference proves otherwise
-Everyone that does Sunday Night Football for NBC is terrible.
-The referees at this game are cheaters and clear opponents of freedom
-The main theme from "Jurassic Park" is really good football highlight music
-We're still pissed off at Ducat
-It's easy to be winning at halftime when your defensive leader is a murderer
-If I hear the words "Ball" and "Hawk" used within 3 words of each other ever again...you heard it here first.

--Brandon and Walker; not TJ. Because he's stupid. And he went to bed early. You heard it here first. Go Batman.

Player Profile: London Fletcher

Vitals:
Gender: Male
Age: Unknown
Height: 5'10
Weight: 245
Weight (With Members of Opposing Offenses Attached to Business end of Shoe): ~464
Weight (While Helping Orphaned Children Fly Like "Superman" to Slam Dunk a Basketball): ~301

Classification:

Specimen is most widely known as the Middle Linebacker for the Washington Redskins (see: freedom, justice, truth). However, he is also known by several other aliases, including Professor Courage and Sir London: The Steadfast and Resolute.

Recent History:
After scoring 900 on an IQ test, Fletcher traveled to England where he rescued 78 victims from a burning ICU at The Mid Yorkshire Hospital. He was then knighted by Queen Elizabeth II as Sir London (see: aliases). Later that day, after swimming back to The US and being bitten in the ribs by several sharks, Fletcher led the Washington Redskins in tackles, sacks, forced fumbles, passes defended, quarterback scares*, interceptions, touchdowns, rival mascots lit on fire with a flaming arrow*, and creative yet legal touchdown celebrations against the hated division rival Philadelphia Eagles.

Other:
Fletcher is completely impervious to pain and has a moral code which is higher than yours and cannot be broken. His autobiography, Silentium (Eagle Publishing; Washington, DC), consists of 267 blank pages because it is not yet possible to translate his thoughts into the words of man. Sculptures and statues built in his likeness that are centuries old are scattered throughout most of civilized Earth.


*Not officially recognized NFL statistics*

--Brandon

Green Eggs and John Harbaugh Looks Like Ham

DEC 8, 11:34 am EST

WASHINGTON, DC (AP)-In an unprecedented decision, the Washington Champion Heroic Redskins and Baltimore Please Don't Shoot, Stab, and Rape me Ravens agreed to have a one-on-one head coaches game of two-hand tag football instead of the previously scheduled Sunday night game in Crimetown, MD. The decision was reached after every member of the Redskins active roster decided rather than to attend the game to volunteer their time at local Boys & Girls Clubs teaching Washington, DC urban youth how to lift weights, play guitar, do barrel rolls, and pledge allegiance to the Flag. Due to 47 players of the Ravens roster being held in custody by authorities for multiple counts of theft, blasphemy, vegetarianism, and cowardice, the Ravens were also unable to field a team and the decision was reached to allow the head coaches to battle it out.

Redskins head coach Jim Zorn remained in his street clothes - burgundy leather chaps, shirtless, gold jetpack, and a machine gun - his demeanor was cool and confident as he dismounted his steed for kickoff, looking much the part of the head coach of the most patriotic sports franchise in America. Problems continued to mount, however, for the beleaguered Ravens as the team was unable to locate a ham-shaped helmet for coach John Harbaugh's notoriously oddly shaped head. Officials discussed the issue and determined the only safe option was for Harbaugh to drive a "Gator" lawn maintenance vehicle covered with pillows, while Zorn remained biped. Despite the apparent advantage, Zorn came out on top after adjusting to an early Harbaugh field goal-ending drive by recording an NFL record 52 consecutive safeties, final score 104-3.

Zorn was unavailable for comment following the game. Harbaugh refused to comment to the press other than saying, "[Coach] Zorn is a man. A man who can tackle a moving vehicle...I'm not. I'm soft. I lost."

--walker

I Wish We Started This Blog When Chris Cooley Posted a Picture of His Dick on the Internet

Seriously, what the fuck is he taking pictures of the team's playbook for anyway?

--TJ

Early Prediction for Redskins vs. Ravens: Sunday, December 7th

M & T Bank Stadium;
Baltimore, Maryland

In an unprecedented performance, Jason Campbell throws for 447 touchdowns in the second half, after being a relative non-factor in the first half of play. This catapults Jason Campbell into the number one spot on the career touchdowns list. Suck it Brett Favre and Dan Marino. Redskins go on to win 3132 to 17. You heard it here first.

--Brandon

Santana Moss, Why Would You Ever Punch Someone's Helmet?

Lo ve ne,

--Brandon

Tony Siragusa Loves Ribs

If you are a wide receiver in the NFL, your job is to catch the ball.  It is unacceptable, especially while wearing those velcro-ey-fancy-smancy city gloves, to drop a pass.  That is like Tony Siragusa dropping half a rack of ribs at Damons.

--Walker

Jessica Simpson is the Worst Girlfriend Ever

I was watching the Redskins Giants game on Sunday, and for absolutely no reason at all during the Redskins Giants game on Sunday, they started posting stats about Tony Romo.  That got me thinking, everybody has signs when the Cowboys come to town that say "Tony Homo," or "Tony Romo is a Homo," or "Tony Romo Gargles Balls."  That sort of thing.  I think I would make a sign that just BLASTS Tony Romo in the ass for dating Jessica Simpson.  I think a few good choices would be:

Hey Tony, Nick Lachey Fucked Her First

or

Hey Tony, Jessica's Box Got Beat Out by Nick Lachey

or 

Hey Tony, Did You Know that Jessica Simpson Used to Have Sex With Nick Lachey Before You?  And She Probably Still Talks to Him on the Phone From Time to Time?

--TJ