Green Eggs and John Harbaugh Looks Like Ham

DEC 8, 11:34 am EST

WASHINGTON, DC (AP)-In an unprecedented decision, the Washington Champion Heroic Redskins and Baltimore Please Don't Shoot, Stab, and Rape me Ravens agreed to have a one-on-one head coaches game of two-hand tag football instead of the previously scheduled Sunday night game in Crimetown, MD. The decision was reached after every member of the Redskins active roster decided rather than to attend the game to volunteer their time at local Boys & Girls Clubs teaching Washington, DC urban youth how to lift weights, play guitar, do barrel rolls, and pledge allegiance to the Flag. Due to 47 players of the Ravens roster being held in custody by authorities for multiple counts of theft, blasphemy, vegetarianism, and cowardice, the Ravens were also unable to field a team and the decision was reached to allow the head coaches to battle it out.

Redskins head coach Jim Zorn remained in his street clothes - burgundy leather chaps, shirtless, gold jetpack, and a machine gun - his demeanor was cool and confident as he dismounted his steed for kickoff, looking much the part of the head coach of the most patriotic sports franchise in America. Problems continued to mount, however, for the beleaguered Ravens as the team was unable to locate a ham-shaped helmet for coach John Harbaugh's notoriously oddly shaped head. Officials discussed the issue and determined the only safe option was for Harbaugh to drive a "Gator" lawn maintenance vehicle covered with pillows, while Zorn remained biped. Despite the apparent advantage, Zorn came out on top after adjusting to an early Harbaugh field goal-ending drive by recording an NFL record 52 consecutive safeties, final score 104-3.

Zorn was unavailable for comment following the game. Harbaugh refused to comment to the press other than saying, "[Coach] Zorn is a man. A man who can tackle a moving vehicle...I'm not. I'm soft. I lost."

--walker