Overtime, Schmovertime

By the power of Grayskull, GRGGD was privileged enough to sit in on a conversation between two NFL Rules Committee Members discussing proposed revisions to the NFL's much maligned overtime system:

NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: if you're bored, read this
NFLLawDog2: i'm just into the introduction of this proposal
and I LIKE it
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: yeah, seriously. it's not this guy's ideas, he just analyzed them. the silent auction was proposed by an engineer/packers fan (he loves engineers) in 2003 who proposed it to the nfl rules committee, it got some interest, but obvi nothing happened. i think it's genious. like real genious
NFLLawDog2: like the movie?
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: wow, i can't spell
NFLLawDog2: well there is the practical problem (though I haven't finished reading the analysis, so I shouldn't speak) that football is entertainment, primarily
and nobody would be interested in watching a bidding war
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: no. not bidding war.
it's one vote per team. it's quick. decisive.
each coach knows both teams offenses and defenses. they know how the game's been going. it shouldn't be a hard decision for them.
NFLLawDog2: well my real point is this the chance of winning that coin toss is a romantic notion that there is some part of sports that is more than numbers
and when things come down to pure luck, where no one has the power to choose an edge or calculate odds that's drama which is entertaining
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: sure, but it's just completely unfair
NFLLawDog2: absolutely
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: i think this auction thing would be seriously entertaining for reality tv-America. they could have a little text-in vote crap even
NFLLawDog2: i don't think reality tv america is football america
i could be wrong
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: have you watched a football broadcast in the past 5 years?
come on. it's ridiculous
NFLLawDog2: eh true
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: they talk about football players tweets as much as anything now, and where TO is house shopping
NFLLawDog2: THAT'S NOT TRUE! tweeting started after last season. yeah you're right, though
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: what makes the biggest knews? non football stuff
NFLLawDog2: duh
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: anyway, i think there'd be just as much drama
but it would go towards who the moxiest coach is. who's got faith in their team
NFLLawDog2: but I'm talking about maybe for me - there is a sense of "OH SHIT, THIS IS IT!" when the coin is in the air during a playoff game in overtime it is a REALLY cool idea that would absolutely work to make the most deserving team a winner (or a weiner)
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: i think it'd be just the same though, close up view of the coaches walking to the head official. close-up of the envelope being sealed
NFLLawDog2: it's like Name that Tune
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: Holtz's The Planets ALWAYS playing in the background
the broadcasters just losing it talking about who knows what
NFLLawDog2: I would always bid the 1 yard line
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: DUH and that's why you'd go down as an overtime legend
NFLLawDog2: I think the fact would still remain that getting the ball at the 1 in sudden death is better than giving the ball at the 1
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: they'd track coaches’ avg. bid. more stats!
there'd be a probability of winning from each yard line, so many charts!!!
well, after like 50 years, since there's about 2 overtimes a year.
and if there's a tie - then i guess coinflip b/c at that point it is 50-50
both teams were equally willing to take the ball there
NFLLawDog2: and so always bidding the 1 is the right answer. oh man
i would make so many gentleman's agreements
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: so so many agreements
NFLLawDog2: about bidding the same as the other guy
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: always broken
NFLLawDog2: no matter what
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: agree to take it 90 yards from your goal line
but then you bid 89!
field goal!
NFLLawDog2: bam
NFLLawDog2: There's nothing wrong with the college system - innings
they could make it so that instead of starting from the other team's 25
they start from their own 20
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: yeah, you'd have to make it far enough that the kicker's range is a limited factor
NFLLawDog2: exactly
that they actually still have to drive
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: but so it doesn't take too long
what's fair, 2 first downs to be in range? 3 first downs?
NFLLawDog2: well you can make time a factor
each team has to beat the clock too, 2 minute drills so you start at your own 20 with 2 minutes on the clock and 1 timeout
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and each team is allowed to bring in 1 player from another team who's on a buy-week
NFLLawDog2: a buy-week
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: but they flip a coin to see who goes first. ouch. bye-week
NFLLawDog2: sure they flip a coin to see who goes first
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: chooses player first
NFLLawDog2: just like in college
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: they have arm wrestling to see who gets ball first or defers
NFLLawDog2: there are two players selected by the league before the game
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: round robin arm wrestling tournament
NFLLawDog2: from bye-week teams
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: all the players are mixed up assigned at random to a tournament
NFLLawDog2: and the coaches make money bids on each of them
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and the winner player's team decides, not the coach though, that player. and yeah, whichever coach wins the most money can override the players decision
NFLLawDog2: um wait, i think we're mixing procedures here
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and if the coach does override, then the head official makes the tie-breaking vote depending on which team has his favorite color in their uniforms. and he has to make a list at the beginning of the season of his hierarchy of favorite colors, WHICH CANNOT CHANGE until the next offseason assuming it's not a lockout-shortened season
NFLLawDog2: well OBVIOUSLY cannot change. that's simple checks and balances
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: in which case there's no change until the offseason following the next full 16-game season
NFLLawDog2: now the fans are allowed to choose one "Wild-Card" player a season
which means that in one overtime game per season they can choose any player on any team bye week or no and get to use him for free during said overtime session
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: of course, that has to be counterbalanced with the "unwild card"
NFLLawDog2: right
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: whereas every fans at the beginning of the season vote on 1 player from each team who is to be kept out of any overtime session
NFLLawDog2: right good call. Also IF the fans invoke the WCP
they must cheer for the opposing team for the rest of the game
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: but each fan only gets 4 votes to be distributed however they see fit, so long they're distributed over 4 different teams
NFLLawDog2: that's a good rule
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: it's not a good rule. it's a fair rule.
NFLLawDog2: AND, said player MUST play both offense and defense for the team
and special teams, and is not allowed to rest during timeouts/breaks in the game
he must run in place. the theory being that a tired WCP negates to some extent having a WCP on the field at all
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well certainly, that's why the WCP vote is so crucial, it's not just talent and explosive play making ability, but stamina and conditioning
and again, the deep placement of the ball prevents the WCP from being kickers with the biggest legs
NFLLawDog2: exactly
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: unless a fan values field goal range so much they'd be willing to put a kicker at left guard for an entire series
NFLLawDog2: exactly
it's a trade-off
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: clearly, the opposing team is allowed to choose who the WCP replaces on both sides of the ball
NFLLawDog2: well, given
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: so it all comes down to the most versatile player
NFLLawDog2: now once the opposing team chooses the players to take off the field
they have the option of taking one of those players for themselves but then the pendulum swings and the original team gets to choose who to take off and gets to choose one of those players for themselves and the pendulum swings again
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: i just caution the opposing team against laughing like pigs when they put a kicker at the other team's qb spot, and then a quick-kick on 3rd and short pins them deep, and of course, there's always the option to play a Harry Potter-inspired chess match instead in which the starting offenses and defenses take the board
NFLLawDog2: oh well obviously
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and coaches move them like pawns, LITERALLY
NFLLawDog2: but, here's the thing - only certain teams will even spend the money to build the chess board and so that option will only be available in certain places
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well certainly, your bigger market teams are going to have that option first, and that's just a matter of economics, the more savvy owners should get that kind of competitive advantage. all things being equal, this comes down to the respective owners in a match of wits anyway
NFLLawDog2: precisely
eventually, teams will start building coalitions against one another
you could likely see a vikings-giants coalition versus a packers-cowboys coalition
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well, what is the nfl if it's not a 32-man game of Monopoly, which allows mergers and acquisitions
NFLLawDog2: i haven't the foggiest
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: precisely. so if each team is starting at the 20 with the above provisions, how could the overtime system possibly be unfair to any team, coach, city, or fan?
NFLLawDog2: it can't. small market teams with the ability to reach across to big market players
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: it's called poltics. reaching across the isle
NFLLawDog2: undoubtedly
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: swinging the pendulum
NFLLawDog2: this is NFLUtopia
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: arching the back
NFLLawDog2: teasing the nips
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well, i'm glad we got that settled so we can finally see Redskins-Bills Round 2
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: the problem [read: solution] of course will come when one of the teams pulls out the little known loophole that the game can be switched to a different sport at the home team's discretion so that overtime may all of a sudden be Capitals-Sabers Superbowl on Ice Round 1
NFLLawDog2: ooh ouch well again it depends on the venue's amenities
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: that's going to require some coordination between leagues, but this is America we're talking about here. this is doable
NFLLawDog2: are you kidding? America is the home of synergy. one hand helping the other. fat cats being fat cats
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: people helping people. and if there can't be more coordination between professional sports than there is today, then we've got a very real, stark problem facing the future of American athletics. stork problem! we MUST include zoos, specifically aviaries in this to get more animal lovers interested in sports. that's what it all boils down to in the end, catering to the tree-hugging animal-loving Humanists
NFLLawDog2: well, maybe we can give PETA a team. we'll be killing 12 or 13 pigs per football now rather than 1 just to appease the anti-PETAs
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: Exactly! That's just the kind of joke PETA will NOT go for. the very reason we must censor what media gets to the PETA team. PETA will have a team, but knowing those snivelling, conniving, Loki-esque tricksters, we'll see 22 African Lions facing the Detroit Lions on opening day
NFLLawDog2: right ... joke
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: one thing we must make clear in the new overtime rules - there cannot be anti-animal testing rallies during the game
NFLLawDog2: well obviously. PETA fans are like DC. they get to watch, but can't actually participate in the voting process so they don't get a WCP
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: yeah, we don't need 4 "no more animal testing" votes
NFLLawDog2: exactly
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: but it's a tradeoff for their not having any species restrictions on their roster
NFLLawDog2: yeah good point
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: if we could go back in time, Henry Clay wouldn't hesitate to put his stamp of approval on this assuming we could sufficiently explain every aspect of football to him in a timely manner without making so much of an impact that we create an alternate timeline where football is a completely different game and a new overtime system must be created, an overtime system conceived in liberty
NFLLawDog2: god you're right
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: we must be careful
NFLLawDog2: the paradox itself is irony
or maybe the irony itself is paradox
or maybe that neither is both or both is neither is something else altogether
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: that reminds me. the butthole steelers will be changed to the butthole ironers and they'll be the league's laundry service
NFLLawDog2: whew
i thought you meant that our time excursion had negated the existence of carbon-infusion
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and instead of getting to play on Sundays, they can get bad sunburns and have painful skins all season long. no, this will not affect the Bessemer process in any way
NFLLawDog2: thank goodness
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: certain events are destined to happen, regardless of any outside influences. steel processing was one of those. Philip Rivers flying instead of taking his first step was another
NFLLawDog2: well given
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: another caveat to the new system of course would be that the Redskins, Bills, and Chargers automatically win any overtime game they're in
NFLLawDog2: any GAME they're in, of course
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: if it's head to head between any of the 3, it's a "Let's Make a Deal" contest between the 2 complete with Skin-scared Mandel and creepy blacked-out banker guy
NFLLawDog2: with the third being the banker
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well obviously, but they should be called the Overseer or Watcher
NFLLawDog2: yeah, the Watchseer
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: the Overcher (pronounced Overture), there'd have to be some sort of Rossini or Copeland theme to the overtime, but all in good fun!
NFLLawDog2: of course
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: in the end, Philip Rivers, the Redskins, and the Bills split every Super Bowl until the end of time. the regular season and playoffs are just formalities to keep the Democrats happy
NFLLawDog2: well of course, you gotta keep those DEMS happy
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: recent research suggests that approximately half of football fans are Democrats. that's almost 50% of the fan base. i for one don't think we should be alienating a near majority of spenders, which is what a fair overtime system comes down to - keeping middle America happy and decreasing the gap between Main St and Wall St
NFLLawDog2: when you're right you're right
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: John Wall St. The traitor. The bastard.
NFLLawDog2: he's a CRIMINAL
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: he'll never EVER see the bright beautiful lights of an NFL overtime extravaganza because he'll be in prison, not winning NCAA championships at NCWOLFPACKU
NFLLawDog2: oh man, the DANCERS dancing away the night
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: oh, the dancers. the entertainers. the gambling!
NFLLawDog2: the GAMBLING! oh it will be so beautiful
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: 50 fans will be chosen at random from each team and sent to Vegas. they'll have exactly the same amount of time as the game lasts to gamble as they see fit and the aggregate winnings of each team will be added to the game's final score
NFLLawDog2: correction WE will be sent to Vegas and given all the moneys the NFL has to gamble as we see fit
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well, you and i clearly will have to be the Master Watchseer Overcher Gamblers, which will allow us to develop our overtime roulette system
but that's to be kept secret from Goodell
NFLLawDog2: he'll be dealt with soon enough
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: we must bury it deep within the rules so that no amount of lawyering will uncover it until it's too late! our gambling will be the very spark plug that gets the league's profits soaring just to stay afloat from our massive gambling losses. it's called incentive. something communists will never understand
that's why there's no NFL is Red China, and why North Korea doesn't have any top draft prospects year in and year out
NFLLawDog2: it’s free real estate.

Change. Progress. Hope. You heard it here first.