Go Redskins Go God Dammit

True Story

2010-11-15T23:48:00.003-05:00

It is 11:30 in the pm.

The Redskins are playing (or maybe just finished playing...I don't know) the Eagles in a Monday Night Game.

I literally just found myself drinking a beer and perusing inspirational quotes on the dot com.

Read that last line again to make sure it sinks in.

Eff You, Redskins.

<3 Brandon

The Official GRGGD 2010 Drinking Game

2010-08-13T21:58:00.002-04:00

Rule #1: Every time you wish you weren't a Redskins fan, Drink.

Love,

GRGGD Staff

* Please don't attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery while playing this game

Theodore Haynesworth runs 600 yards...and it's news

2010-08-07T23:43:00.002-04:00

As a man of incredible fortitude, power, and agility, I have often run 6, 7, even 800 yards. AT A TIME! But when Dr. Money does it, after only needing a week plus of MRI's, buffets, and pissing all of us off to get ready for it, it's the biggest update of the offseason. Not bad. Not bad at all. Thanks, Vinny.

In other news, for some reason I'm getting my annual optimistic about the Redskins hardon going. McNabb. Larry Johnson. Justin Tryon. Don Beebe. William Tecumseh. The roster's in place. A coach who rode the coattails of John Elway's career to a couple rings. In place. So maybe we'll have a lower draft pick than the Browns next year. Maybe even lower than the Raiders (p.s. Jason Campbell ftw). Playoffs though? PLAYOFFS? Of course, and here's why:

A. Donovan McNabb isn't an eagle any more
B. Donovan McNabb is a Redskin now
C. Donovan McNabb no longer does Chunky Soup commercials.
D. The guy on the right is New York's quarterback, while the man on the left graces my dreams nightly.
E. Roy Williams.
F. Brett Farrrve might play. He might not. Oh crap I don't care. Let's just thank God Peter King covered the World Cup so we had a few weeks of not having to hear he said/she said Favre this coffee this bull-ish. That guy's a really overrated sports writer by the way.

So there's really nothing wrong with having hope for this season. Plenty of things are looking up, even big number 92 at the DQ menu.

Love,
The Dubmachine

Redskins sign Larry Johnson; Woman Gets Spit On in DC Nightclub

2010-03-13T00:14:00.003-05:00

*Editors Note: More Up To Date Photo Here or Here.

Not quite content with having just one aging, past his prime running back with a unique ability to alienate teammates, the Redskins signed free agent running back Larry Johnson today to a 3 year deal worth a max of $12 million. Four or five years ago Larry Johnson was one of the best running backs in the league, posting back to back 1700+ yard seasons for the Kansas City Cheifs. Last season, he took a brief hiatus from playing for teams with names that are derogatory to American Indians and played for the Cincinnati Bengals; posting up a respectable 4.4 ypc average. Whether he has anything "left in the tank" or not is yet to be determined, but if new Redskins God-Emperors Mike Shanahan and Bruce Allen like him, then so does GRGGD. As a demonstration of our non-biased media coverage here at GRGGD, we could tell you about Larry Johnson's off the field issues, including publicly questioning his coach, using gay slurs on his twitter account, throwing his girlfriend to the floor, waving a gun at his girlfriend, spitting his drink on a woman, spitting his drink on a woman, and threatening to kill a woman and her boyfriend, but we figure stuff like that is best left to more "reputable" news outlets.

Go Redskins,

Brandon

GRGGD: Super Bowl Especiale

2010-02-07T20:09:00.003-05:00

Howdy all of you loyal GRGGD Reader(s)

To start off this evening, we will give you our drinking list for our official "Snowpacolypse Super Bowl Drinking Game 2010." Assume, unless otherwise noted, that you drink just 1 for every rule infraction.

1. Any Reference to Brett Favre (Drink 3)
2. Anytime a girl in your Super Bowl party calls a penalty before the refs do.
3. Hey! There's Kim Kardashian...
4. Anytime a Non-Peyton Manning is referenced or shown on camera (Eli, Archie, Deborah)
5. BOURBON STREET MOTHER F-ERS!!!!!!!!! (read: anytime the blimp shows fans in a city that is NOT Miami...)
6. Non-Sexual Sexual References. Every football game is loaded with these. For example, as I'm typing this (true story), Phil Simms just talked about someone "Pushing back and getting into Manning's area; taking advantage of that opening...HUGE hole."
7. Anytime the commentators mention a SHOOT OUT. (Or other cliched reference (ie. dangerous in space, running downhill ad nauseum...)
8. Any reference to a crime any player has committed.
9. The Coupe de Grace, any time you see a car commercial.
*10. If, for some reason, they actually talk about real estate in Haiti; go get a full beer. Drink all of it. Finish the beer that you were previously drinking. Then, for good measure, take a shot of bourbon. I mean, why would they talk about Haitian real estate? Just because two players in this Super Bowl are from Haiti?

Have Fun, America!

Love,

GRGGD Staff

Redskins v. Chargers: Norv Turner Still Needs Accutane

2010-01-03T18:33:00.007-05:00

- Currently, as of kickoff at 4:15pm, the Cleveland Browns have a better record than The Redskins.
- The Cowboys and Eagles are currently playing for the NFC East Title. Who does GRGGD root for in that case? Easy. Go Terrorist Attack!
- We though that might not go over too well, so we decided to root for Another Shady Engineer Hired to Build a Dallas Cowboys Facility that Results in Building Implosion! (Sorry. Too soon?)
- IF we find out that the Redksins don't make the playoffs, GRGGD is officially giving it's support to the Chargers for the duration of the playoffs. So hopefully, no one gets injured (except maybe Norv Turner).
- I love how they are somehow talking about Brett Favre during the REDSKINS CHARGERS game.
- It's a real shame that the Chargers aren't wearing those beautiful powder blue jerseys
- Billy Volek: Yet another 2nd/3rd tier quarterback better than D. Hall
- One quarter down, and Norv Turner still looks like Edward James Olmos
- D Hall just got beat by a receiver who has literally been inactive all season until today. Great job!
- New Blog Name: GoToddYoderGoGoddammit.blogspot.com
- If two spaghettis ran into a house of cards and read A Tale of Two Cities and spoke French, will Jim Zorn keep his job?
- When the Redskins call 911, does the market go up or down?
- After 3 first downs, does Jason Campbell live to tell another tale? Or does he rape a small, old man?
- I think the only thing we could ever learn from a game like this, the Redskins can't pull away from a second string team. Much like a child can't pull away from a slightly stronger child.
-If the game ball were filled with helium and the Redskins were given a 1,000 point advantage at the beginning of every game next season, will Dan Snyder still manage to break your heart?
- If Dan Snyder breaks your heart, does an ex-girlfriend get pregnant? Or does she have a miscarriage?
- If the Redskins were dreams, and you were candy, would you prefer Pixy Stix or stomach ulcers?
- If the 2009 NFL season could be replaced with you getting diabetes or your becoming allergic to gluton, would Ben A. still be an idiot or would the Redskins still be disappointing?
- If Ben checks this blog, will London Fletcher still regret becoming a Redskin?
- If London Fletcher cries, is Judgment Day upon us?
- If Judge Dredd fights NASA - whoever wins, we lose.
- If I fight a cowriter, can this blog become a Chargers blog?
- If I trust myself, will you still kick me in the ass if you have to?
- If you multiply blue by lasagna, do you get crab legs or dysentery?
- If I play Mass Effect 2 and immediately follow it with playing Bioshock 2, will I get bone or get boned?
- When we have to blog during the playoffs and the Redskins are further from the playoffs than the Browns, will God forgive ritual suicide?
- If I empty a High Life into my car's Mr. Fusion and then throw the can in, will I still not need roads?

Love,
I wish we were 100% fans of someone other than the effing Redskins

Redskins v. Giants:

2009-12-21T20:46:00.003-05:00

- Does anyone else feel like the Redskins are the only team in the NFL that screen plays work on?
- Yes, it's been a while since we've posted. We've been busy. We have lives. We are professionals. A lot of Redskins news has happened in two months. Expect some posts on those events sometime in the coming year(s).
- After one (1) quarter of play, here is a list of things The Giants have more of than The Redskins have yards:
1. Yards
2. Touchdowns
3. Player Injuries
4. Head Coaches
5. Games Played Today (12/21/09)
6. Women on Active Roster
7. Timeouts Taken
8. Timeouts Remaining
9. Former Players who are currently in prison after shooting themselves in the leg while inside of a night club
- 45 seconds left in the first half, and starting quarterback Jason Campbell goes back to the locker room to X-ray his broken heart.
- One (1) half down and there is just nothing left to say.

Go Redskins, I guess

-Brandon, Walker, TJ, Jesse

Absolutely Fantastic:

2009-10-28T18:23:00.000-04:00

Many thanks to The Om Field

-Brandon

Redskins v. Eagles: It's Monday Night

2009-10-26T21:05:00.004-04:00

First Half Thoughts:

-The Redskins have set an NFL Record for the number of people named Sherman involved in play calling. Great job guys!
-This unprecedented number of Shermans use their "Sherman Chart" to cast wizardry spells and debuffs on opposing teams
-Yards of Empty Field Surrounding Randle El When He Calls for Fair Catch (YEFSREWHCFFC) Meter:
Punt #1: 10 Yards
Punt #2: 7 Yards...but the closest defender is getting blocked. And Randle El Fell down when he caught it
Punt #3: Well...I guess you can't call for fair catch when the ball hits you in the face
-Andy Reid looks like a man whose main goal in life is to consume as much food as he possibly can in a single sitting
-#50 on the Eagles Defense needed oxygen after intercepting a pass and returning it 9 yards for a touchdown (Go Redskins!). It must be the altitude here at a towering 71 feet above sea level in Landover, MD.
-Devin Thomas: The Poor Man's Brandon Lloyd
-#50 just forced a fumble. Better hook him up to a defibrillator
-Cooley getting carted off of the field is about the absolute worst thing that can happen to this team, short of...well...actually I can't think of anything worse. Short of Vinny Cerrato not getting swine flu?
-Jon Gruden: "Good play selection there!" ---Please, Jon, stop trying to get a job next year
-Well, we're into the 2nd quarter, and the Redskins are at least winning the turnover battle. We've given it away twice, The Eagles none.
-Half time in the Eagles locker room must be less about making in game adjustments and more about Andy Reid eating a buffet table full of food
-Touchdown Devin Thomas! Congrats Devin, you've now been upgraded to The Poor Man's Todd Pinkston
-Score one more turnover for the Redskins! We now are winning the battle 3 - 0.
-Jason Campbell's Amazon Wish List: One(1) Pair of Rick Vaughan Horn-Rimmed Glasses ala "Major League"
-People from the movie "Necessary Roughness" that would help the Redskins right now:
Kathy Ireland - Punter
Manumana - O Line (not necessarily center)
-#50 (note the trend) just fully tackled Betts out of bounds. It was said that there was no foul because he had his hands on Betts while he was in bounds. I guess that's the rule. Good thing he didn't have a shotgun on his person while in bounds. That could have been ugly.
-People from "The Golden Girls" that would help the Redskins right now:
Blanch
Rose
Dorothy
-All three should at the very least provide some new looks for opposing defenses to look at. How about it Dan Snyder?
-27 - 10 at the half. Literally the worst half we've played against the Eagles in 29 years.

Go Redskins,

Brandon, Walker, Jesse, and TJ

Dubious Solution to a Problem: Sherman Lewis to Call Offensive Plays for the Redskins

2009-10-19T21:15:00.002-04:00

And heeeerrrreeee come the pretzels.

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, Jim Zorn was "relinquished" of his play calling duties in order to allow him to focus on other aspects of being a head coach such as not wasting time outs and looking beat, broken, and impotent during press conferences.

This is a text book example of how to run a football team and save your season. Get out your pens and paper and get ready to learn.

Problem: Your Head Coach (who until you hired him had never called plays in the NFL) is doing an awful job at calling plays. The offense is failing at every aspect of the game and is among the worst in the NFL.

Solution: Give play calling duties to a 67 year old man who was announcing bingo numbers in a retirement home two(2) weeks ago. He has been retired from football for five(5) years, he's only been with your team for about ten(10) days, and he too has never called offensive plays.

There's your lesson, go enjoy it.

You Heard it Here First,

-Brandon

Redskins v. Chiefs: Post Game Thoughts

2009-10-18T15:58:00.002-04:00

Redskins v. Chiefs: Thoughts at Halftime

2009-10-18T14:30:00.001-04:00

How to fix the Redskins

2009-10-11T22:21:00.002-04:00

Okay, okay. The Redskins are not a good football team right now. In fact, they are a terrible football team. They are like a chipmunk with a disease; they started out kind of cute but with each passing week they wither further and further away so that their fur is splotchy and they don't have the strength to stand up on their own and so they have no way of getting food and then they keep getting weaker and everyone in the forest just starts to feel sorry for them. Yes. The Redskins are exactly like that.

On a quick side note, isn't it adorable when chipmunks store food in their cheeks?

But back to the matter at hand, every level of the organization is in shambles right now. It's Overseer Snyder bringing in an offensive "consultant" (read: future interim head coach) four(4) weeks into the season without asking his head coach about it. It's that very head coach wasting time outs and calling for a hook and ladder as our last ditch effort when we need to go 40 yards and our quarterback can easily throw the ball 65 yards. It's also that head coach losing to a the worst team in the history of the NFL, and having the nerve during his post game press conference to say "We're getting better." At what? Making other teams feel good about themselves? Giving the media someone to make fun of? It's a front office that flat out REFUSES to draft young, able, offensive linemen; so that we'd be better off lining up a turnstile in front of the defense. It's MeAngelo Fall getting stutter stepped and then dragged by Jake Delhomme for a first down. Read that again so that it sinks in. God Damn Jake Delhomme dragged a Redskins defender several yards for a first down today that sealed the game. In regards to the bet with TJ, I don't even want to think about how that effects the score. The "skunk rule" may be starting to apply.

However, GRGGD is not a whining and complaining blog. We offer solutions. We deliver results. We ride the future train straight to the moon and come back with riches and technologies that change lives. I'm not entirely sure what that last sentence means. Either way, here is the one(1) step solution to fix the state of The Redskins:

HIRE PROFESSOR CHARLES XAVIER

I'm thinking a Bill Parcells in Miami kind of role. Doesn't need to be on the field per say. Just needs to be in charge of making the team not an embarrassment. Let's have a quick look of some of his credentials:

1. He's a smart dude. No two ways about it. Professor X is smarter than you, me, and anyone else currently associated with football.
2. He's a proven leader. He started a school for the gifted and leads them on all sorts of green peace type missions. He's a real humanitarian.
3. Oh, right. He can friggin control everyone's thoughts. He can make entire other team believe they are in the girl scouts selling cookies, and that touching the football will give them a VD.
4. He already knows some talent that could declare eligibility in the draft and get picked up on the cheap.

He could also use his mind powers to make our team realize that they are supposed to be good. Also, we all know Daniel Snyder likes to make a splash. It doesn't get much splashier than a level 4 paraplegic mutant with a hover wheel chair. Prof. X is the missing link. He is what separates this team from greatness. Hire him.

Change, hope, progress. You heard it here first.

-Brandon

The GRGGD TJ vs. Brandon DeAngelo Hall/Fall Bet: Week Four(4)

2009-10-04T16:12:00.002-04:00

Today is a good day. It is good because The Skins were able to come out with a win, despite Jason Campbell's best efforts. Also, I finally made up some ground in the bet. D Hall came up with a nice interception including some return yardage today. Also, I don't recall seeing anything completed thrown his way. Carlos Rodgers did a good job evening that out by letting everything get by him; but that's a story for another blog.

D Hall gets awarded 1.5 points in my favor, bringing the score for the season 5 - 2.5, TJ. He only gets 1.5, and not 2, because of his ridiculous celebration after his interception. That cost him half a point for style.

the GRGGD TJ vs. Brandon DeAngelo Hall/Fall Bet: Week Three(3)

2009-09-27T20:26:00.003-04:00

No need for a lot of introduction on this supposedly regular segment. Let's get right to it:

We took a brief hiatus from the bet posting last week. Here's how week 2 shook out:

D Hall slipped on the perfectly dry, sunbathed field and was beat for the only touchdown scored in the game vs. The Rams.

That brought our betting score to 4-1, in favor of TJ.

Now we are in week three (3). In this particular game, we're going to go with another 1-0 victory in favor, yet again, of TJ. This brings the season total to 5-1. Some may argue that D Hall didn't do anything wrong this game, and there is merit to that. However, TJ wins the point for that same reason. D Hall (slowly transitioning to Me Fall) could have watched that game from the comfort of the couch in his living room and had more of an impact on the game.

Season total: 5-1, TJ. But still lots of season to go. There will be more on the abysmal game today later.

Go Redskins (even still),

Brandon

GUEST BLOG - Bills vs. Patriots In-Game Coverage Extravaganza

2009-09-14T18:26:00.027-04:00

Welcome to Part I (maybe of XVI, but let's face it, this will probably be the maiden and last voyage) of the Buffalo Bills Guest Blog In-Game Live Coverage Extravaganza, or BBGBIGLCE as I, an associate of GRGGD, like to call it.

It's almost game time, and by the looks of it, those wagons that caused so many headaches around Gillette Stadium earlier today have moved inside to wreak havoc on America's Team (of Douchebags), the Patriots.

6:31 pm - Someone tell Jon Gruden he's on TV, not sitting on the sideline bench where its OK to sit spread eagle with your junk eying the camera.

6:37 pm - BRB, 40 run

6:50 pm - Tonight's first sign of adversity. 7/11 is out of High Life 40s, so I was forced to get Colt 45s. This can only mean one of three things - 1) Indianapolis is taking New England's place tonight; 2) Colt Brennan has been waived by the Redskins and picked up by the Bills and will start tonight; or 3) Tom Brady's season and career comes to an end because he gets shot.

6:58 pm - Digging the throwbacks. Apparently ESPN can spring for brainiacs Trent Dilfer, Matt Millen and Teddy Bruschi, but can't get the throwback helmets for the set. Nice.

7:10 pm - Hey Schutt, new product idea - Rocket Propelled Shoulder Pads. You can thank Lee Evans, via Jon Gruden. You Heard It Here First.

7:16 pm - It can't be good when your kicker makes the first tackle of the season. Congrats Ryan Lindell.

7:16 pm - When did Herm Edwards become a MNF analyst?

7:30 pm - 2009 Buffalo Bills' Defense mantra - Bend, but don't break.

7:32 pm - Why don't we just get THE Jim Kelly as Offensive Coordinator, instead of his third string backup?

7:40 pm - Skeletor + Steve Carell's 40-Year Old Virgin character = Dick Jauron

7:41 pm - Bills lead 7-0. Why do I get the feeling that this will wind up like the Redskins-Broncos in Super Bowl XXII?

7:51 pm - Season prediction following 1st quarter - Buffalo becomes the first team in NFL history to go undefeated during the regular season AND win the Super Bowl. You Heard It Here First.

7:55 pm - Nice 29-yard punt there, Brian Mormon.

8:08 pm - Poz goes out. I may have to alter my Post-1st Quarter Prediction.

8:23 pm - Atta boy Schobel. Hey Alex, Schobel for TO, try it.

8:35 pm - OK, good first half Buffalo. I think it's safe to say the JP era has relocated to Las Vegas.

8:46 pm - You Heard It Here First - RIP Patrick Swayze.

8:49 pm - I too want to kiss Suzy Kolber.

8:54 pm - Brian "Pin 'Em Deep" Moorman. I spelled it right this time.

9:00 pm - Has any coach ever, EVER, taught Leodis McKelvin how to tackle?

9:09 pm - Welcome to the offense TO.

9:30 pm - Tirico's pissing me off, so here's this via Wikipedia - "In 1992, Mike Tirico was suspended by ESPN for three months for unwelcome advances. In his book ESPN: The Uncensored History, published in 2000, New York Times reporter Michael Freeman reported several instances of sexual harassment by Mike Tirico[1]including attempted groping and sexual solicitation[2]."

Does this mean Tirico made sexual advances at a man? I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised.

9:32 pm - CUT. MCKELVIN. NOW.

9:45 pm - Fred Jackson - All-21st Century Team

10:23 pm - Stepped outside, finished my second 40, collected myself and was reminded of a conclusion I came to after the loss to the Jets last year. When the Buffalo Bills lose, they lose with a style and flair all their own. At least they've got that going for them.

I'm going to get another Colt 45. Good night.

- Jesse

THIS JUST IN...

2009-09-14T15:32:00.002-04:00

You Heard It Here First...WBOO in Boston is reporting heavy traffic congestion caused by wagons near Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, MA, this afternoon. At this time it is unclear what has brought forth such a gathering, a circling if you will, but it is being led by these men and is believed to be related to tonight's NFL contest between the New England ~~Patsies~~ Patriots and Buffalo Bills. Check back with GRGGD or brother-site Hampton Roads Bills for more information as it becomes available.

GRGGD - It's Where Breaking News Happens

-Jesse (Go Bills!)

The GRGGD TJ vs. Brandon DeAngelo Hall/Fall Bet: Week One

2009-09-13T22:36:00.002-04:00

Several weeks ago, The Redskins were in training camp. Sometimes, during training camp, the media is allowed in to watch. Sometimes, those media types bring cameras, which they use to capture moving images and sounds of the Redskins, which are then broadcast on TV. Sometimes, those images are of newly signed, 54 million dollar defensive back DeAngelo Hall doing pushups. Sometimes, apparently, those pushups are, for lack of a better term, not on par with what you'd expect from a 25 year old NFL athlete earning 54 million dollars.

It is then that the bet started. Fellow GRGGD contributer TJ was very upset and offended by those pushups. He went on to say that "MeAngelo Fall" is lazy and complacent, and that he will be a complete waste of the team's money and a liability on the field.

Me, being more of a "blind, total, and uncompromising faith in all things Redskins" kind of guy, disagreed. Maybe the cameras started rolling when he was on number 343. Pushups don't relate to pass coverage. That kind of thing.

So a bet was started. For one(1) beer (no need to get wild here), we would keep score of DeAngelo's successes and failures on the football field. There is no standardized scoring system, or anything crazy like that. Just some assigned points at the end of each game.

Let's just say, that after tonight's loss against the New York Football Giants, TJ is being very generous allowing the score to be only 3 - 1 in his favor. I guess when all of the plays one makes are terrible, it's difficult to judge what constitutes another point or not. Even DeAngelo's lone "good play" point; an interception returned for some nice yardage, only happened because he got burned by a rookie receiver and Laron Landry made an impressive play and tipped the ball up.

Here is hoping that DeAngelo can bounce back in week two(2), and put some points on the board for my side. Don't let me down, D Hall. TJ has very expensive taste in beer.

-Brandon

The GRGGD Ultimate Fantasy Team: Part I (of Some Number Greater than I)

2009-09-13T21:37:00.006-04:00

Here at GRGGD, our scientists have been working round the clock on a special project. The challenge was put to us (by ourselves) to compile the greatest team ever in the universe of football. As one would imagine, this is actually quite the task. Not only do you have to account for the human greats of past and present, but fictional greats from comic books, movies, myths, and video games are also fair game. However, in order to make this a level playing field (because we hate it when people run downhill or in space), we had to devise a set of rules. Otherwise, you'd just have complete chaos on the field and the safety of onlookers would be compromised. And so begins part one(1) of our multi(> 1) part series. First off: The Rules; categorized by their "common" names. Please note that these rules apply to all players, coaches, trainers etc... of the team as well as the onlookers. Anything less would be cheating. And when you cheat, no one really wins.

Rule 1 (The Silver Surfer Rule): One cannot alter the field, the playing environment, the ball, or other players/coaches. This includes all physical, cosmic, and magic powers.

Rule 2 (The Nightcrawler Rule): A player may teleport horizontally across the field for no more than five(5) yards once per play and under the conditions that he/she is not carrying the ball or another player. Vertical teleportation is not allowed.

Rule 3 (The Superman Rule): A player may not, under any circumstances, take flight on the field. Furthermore, to keep the strong jumpers out there in check, a player's feet may not cross the invisible plane created by the tallest player on the fields head at any time.

Rule 4 (The Hulk Rule): A player may not change his/her physical form once a play starts. In between plays is allowed as long as the player keeps that form for the duration of the next play.

Rule 5 (The Captain America Rule): A player may not, at any time, carry anything that can be used as a projectile or weapon. The only thing to be thrown is the football.

Rule 6 (The Juggernaut/Colossus Rule): A player may wear armor, either self-synthesized or not, as long as a standard NFL Uniform fits over it.

These are not good rules, they are fair rules. And like any good set of rules, they are subject to review, modification, deletion, or addition. Seeing as how there are now five(5) of you reading this blog (we have proof!), feel free to leave your thoughts and rule ideas in the comments section. Part II of this series will be coming sometime in the next dickety-two days.

-Brandon (with Teleconferenced Input, Advice, Counseling, and Ideas from Guest Blogger Salil)

Redskins v. Patriots: Thom Brady and His Struggles with Orakpophobia

2009-08-28T19:41:00.006-04:00

Well, it's game time, and as is our custom (occasionally, any way) at GRGGD, we will be posting a collection of thoughts before, during, and after the game.

- Orakpophobia: A Real Disease Affecting Real People.
- Oh look at me. My name's Tom Brady. I have skinny legs.
- When you kick or punt the ball from Fed Ex Field, the ball never hits a TV screen. Never.
- One(1) series into it, and this game looks like it has the makings of GO REDSKINS!
- CANDLE?! It's Campbell. Jason Campbell. Official Prediction: 26 Touchdowns. 14 Ints. 3400 Yards. Completion % = 63. You Heard it here first. (You may have actually heard that here first)
- Malcolm Kelly has the forearms of Lex Luger (it's a stiff arm reference)
- Mr. Referee man: I'm not a football rules expert (read: law dog), but I think that the team in possession of the football is typically the one labeled "offense."
- This just in from Phil Simms: "The quarterback is supposed to throw the ball downfield." Who knew? So does this mean that the team that scores more points than the other team have a good chance of winning the game too?
- Ducat's fireman outfit has a removable axe. That literally enhances the cuteness by at least 4 pts.
- Guy on Patriots: "Oh boy oh boy, I'm going to catch this punt"
Justin Tryon: "I beg to differ, sir. Go Redskins!"
Guy on Patriots Who Recovers Fumble: "Oh SHIT! Mike Sellers is coming after me! Time to flop."
- The Patriots should go back to the Pawtucket Pat, or whatever it was helmet. That thing was much better than the current helmet. It makes the Patriots more likable.
- New Book Idea: "Horton hears a FUCK YOU FRED TAYLOR!!" By Dr. Seuss.
- Dear Phil Simms, Why do only NFC East teams need good tackling safeties?
- We've never seen an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty come from the bench. Wow.
- Santana Moss' Ballin' Ass Catchometer: 2
- Santana Moss' Ballin' Ass Dropometer: 1
- Tom Brady : Samuel L. Jackson :: Andre Carter : That Shark That Ate Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea
- Count that, Standardized Testing
- If Marko Mitchell does not make this team, F U Vinny Cerrato. Seriously. That was an amazing downfield block.
- Sebastion Vollmer (#76 OL Patriots) and Jason Campbell (#17 QB Redskins) were apparently separated at birth. (Look at the screen shots)
- Redskins Tied with Patriots (cheaters) at the half. We go to the (a) bar now. More (maybe) when we get back.

-Brandon, Walker, and Jesse

New Feature at GRGGD

2009-08-14T23:57:00.003-04:00

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "I'd love to receive an up to the MINUTE update every time somebody from GRGGD blows my mind up with some truth." Well, ask and ye shall receive. If you'll set your eyes to "peep" and direct them to the right of your computer screen (assuming your computer screen is currently displaying your internet browser, which is set to http://goredskinsgogoddammit.blogspot.com, which is also scrolled up to the very top of that URL, of course) you will see that you now have that option. It's very simple. Here is an eight(8) step process:

1. Enter your electronic mail (email) address into the box that says "Enter your email address" and click on the subscribe button.
2. You will see a picture of a series of letters and/or numbers. Type in those letters/numbers.
3. You will receive an email asking you to click on a hyperlink (link) to verify your subscription.
4. Click on the link in the aforementioned step.
5. Wait.
6. Continue waiting (we are pretty bad at updating here).
7. Eventually, you will receive an email that informs you that we have made a new posting here at GRGGD.
8. Hope with all of your heart that one of us isn't strapped for cash and was forced to sell your email address to spammers and/or the Yakuza.

See, easy enough right? It's called "convenience" and we've just given you a little taste of it. Enjoy!

-Brandon

Eagles Sign Michael Vick; City Wide Animal Torture Ban Lifted

2009-08-13T22:01:00.004-04:00

Hot off of the news press, Philadelphia signs Vick to a 2 year contract. No other terms have been released. Check back for more updates as they come (at another blog that actually posts on a regular basis).

-Brandon + Walker

Redskins v. Ravens - Prix Season Weak Won

2009-08-13T19:37:00.005-04:00

That title was spell checked by Ravens Coach John "Ham-head" Harbaugh. In celebration of there finally being some sweet, delicious, Redskins football on the TV, here are a collection of thoughts:

- Thank goodness we didn't draft Michael Oher, he has weak forehead skin.
- Are the refs on preseason too? Why are no penalties getting called? Are there referee drafts, and these are like the 3rd stringers trying to earn a ref roster spot?
- Laddell Betts's Jersey for some reason says "Bettis." How many levels of supervision did that pass through?
- Steph is glad that the Redskins uniforms are not the Ravens uniforms. I concur.
- That being said, we're making every observation Joe Theismann makes, but like 5 minutes before. We think this means that we are better than Joe Theismann at being football color men. Also, we are better than him at not having our careers ended by having our thigh bones broken in half by Lawrence Taylor. We've never even met Lawrence Taylor.
- The First Ladies of Football are much cuter than the Ravens Cheerleaders. Also, they don't have criminal records and they don't support murderers. That's right, Redskins Cheerleaders don't support murder. You heard it here first.
- Philip Daniels is a seriously, seriously large man
- Although not playing, Carlos Rogers has some amazing earings. They are Redskin gold. I want a pair. Don't you?
- New idea for Ravens Logo: Olde Tyme style picture of a bird wearing a pinstriped jail uniform. He's chained to a large boulder and he's banging on a smaller boulder with a hammer.
- Dear Fred Davis, we actually try to hold on to the ball at this level, son.
- When not jumping out of pools or into truck beds, Keith Eloi actually makes some impressive special teams tackles.
- It's a pretty typical Redskins game. Bend, but don't break defense, and an offense that can't keep up with the other team only scoring field goals.
- Normally, we get optimistic during preseason, then are disappointed. So far this year, we start out disappointed with preseason. It can only go up from here.
- We wanted to be pumped about this game. But preseason week one...it's just not happening.

You heard part of it here first, but the other part you heard about elsewhere and then read here at a later time,

-Brandon + Walker

Overtime, Schmovertime

2009-07-01T22:38:00.003-04:00

By the power of Grayskull, GRGGD was privileged enough to sit in on a conversation between two NFL Rules Committee Members discussing proposed revisions to the NFL's much maligned overtime system:

NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: if you're bored, read this
NFLLawDog2: i'm just into the introduction of this proposal
and I LIKE it
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: yeah, seriously. it's not this guy's ideas, he just analyzed them. the silent auction was proposed by an engineer/packers fan (he loves engineers) in 2003 who proposed it to the nfl rules committee, it got some interest, but obvi nothing happened. i think it's genious. like real genious
NFLLawDog2: like the movie?
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: wow, i can't spell
NFLLawDog2: well there is the practical problem (though I haven't finished reading the analysis, so I shouldn't speak) that football is entertainment, primarily
and nobody would be interested in watching a bidding war
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: no. not bidding war.
it's one vote per team. it's quick. decisive.
each coach knows both teams offenses and defenses. they know how the game's been going. it shouldn't be a hard decision for them.
NFLLawDog2: well my real point is this the chance of winning that coin toss is a romantic notion that there is some part of sports that is more than numbers
and when things come down to pure luck, where no one has the power to choose an edge or calculate odds that's drama which is entertaining
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: sure, but it's just completely unfair
NFLLawDog2: absolutely
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: i think this auction thing would be seriously entertaining for reality tv-America. they could have a little text-in vote crap even
NFLLawDog2: i don't think reality tv america is football america
i could be wrong
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: have you watched a football broadcast in the past 5 years?
come on. it's ridiculous
NFLLawDog2: eh true
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: they talk about football players tweets as much as anything now, and where TO is house shopping
NFLLawDog2: THAT'S NOT TRUE! tweeting started after last season. yeah you're right, though
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: what makes the biggest knews? non football stuff
NFLLawDog2: duh
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: anyway, i think there'd be just as much drama
but it would go towards who the moxiest coach is. who's got faith in their team
NFLLawDog2: but I'm talking about maybe for me - there is a sense of "OH SHIT, THIS IS IT!" when the coin is in the air during a playoff game in overtime it is a REALLY cool idea that would absolutely work to make the most deserving team a winner (or a weiner)
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: i think it'd be just the same though, close up view of the coaches walking to the head official. close-up of the envelope being sealed
NFLLawDog2: it's like Name that Tune
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: Holtz's The Planets ALWAYS playing in the background
the broadcasters just losing it talking about who knows what
NFLLawDog2: I would always bid the 1 yard line
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: DUH and that's why you'd go down as an overtime legend
NFLLawDog2: I think the fact would still remain that getting the ball at the 1 in sudden death is better than giving the ball at the 1
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: they'd track coaches’ avg. bid. more stats!
there'd be a probability of winning from each yard line, so many charts!!!
well, after like 50 years, since there's about 2 overtimes a year.
and if there's a tie - then i guess coinflip b/c at that point it is 50-50
both teams were equally willing to take the ball there
NFLLawDog2: and so always bidding the 1 is the right answer. oh man
i would make so many gentleman's agreements
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: so so many agreements
NFLLawDog2: about bidding the same as the other guy
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: always broken
NFLLawDog2: no matter what
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: agree to take it 90 yards from your goal line
but then you bid 89!
field goal!
NFLLawDog2: bam
NFLLawDog2: There's nothing wrong with the college system - innings
they could make it so that instead of starting from the other team's 25
they start from their own 20
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: yeah, you'd have to make it far enough that the kicker's range is a limited factor
NFLLawDog2: exactly
that they actually still have to drive
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: but so it doesn't take too long
what's fair, 2 first downs to be in range? 3 first downs?
NFLLawDog2: well you can make time a factor
each team has to beat the clock too, 2 minute drills so you start at your own 20 with 2 minutes on the clock and 1 timeout
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and each team is allowed to bring in 1 player from another team who's on a buy-week
NFLLawDog2: a buy-week
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: but they flip a coin to see who goes first. ouch. bye-week
NFLLawDog2: sure they flip a coin to see who goes first
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: chooses player first
NFLLawDog2: just like in college
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: they have arm wrestling to see who gets ball first or defers
NFLLawDog2: there are two players selected by the league before the game
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: round robin arm wrestling tournament
NFLLawDog2: from bye-week teams
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: all the players are mixed up assigned at random to a tournament
NFLLawDog2: and the coaches make money bids on each of them
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and the winner player's team decides, not the coach though, that player. and yeah, whichever coach wins the most money can override the players decision
NFLLawDog2: um wait, i think we're mixing procedures here
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and if the coach does override, then the head official makes the tie-breaking vote depending on which team has his favorite color in their uniforms. and he has to make a list at the beginning of the season of his hierarchy of favorite colors, WHICH CANNOT CHANGE until the next offseason assuming it's not a lockout-shortened season
NFLLawDog2: well OBVIOUSLY cannot change. that's simple checks and balances
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: in which case there's no change until the offseason following the next full 16-game season
NFLLawDog2: now the fans are allowed to choose one "Wild-Card" player a season
which means that in one overtime game per season they can choose any player on any team bye week or no and get to use him for free during said overtime session
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: of course, that has to be counterbalanced with the "unwild card"
NFLLawDog2: right
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: whereas every fans at the beginning of the season vote on 1 player from each team who is to be kept out of any overtime session
NFLLawDog2: right good call. Also IF the fans invoke the WCP
they must cheer for the opposing team for the rest of the game
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: but each fan only gets 4 votes to be distributed however they see fit, so long they're distributed over 4 different teams
NFLLawDog2: that's a good rule
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: it's not a good rule. it's a fair rule.
NFLLawDog2: AND, said player MUST play both offense and defense for the team
and special teams, and is not allowed to rest during timeouts/breaks in the game
he must run in place. the theory being that a tired WCP negates to some extent having a WCP on the field at all
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well certainly, that's why the WCP vote is so crucial, it's not just talent and explosive play making ability, but stamina and conditioning
and again, the deep placement of the ball prevents the WCP from being kickers with the biggest legs
NFLLawDog2: exactly
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: unless a fan values field goal range so much they'd be willing to put a kicker at left guard for an entire series
NFLLawDog2: exactly
it's a trade-off
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: clearly, the opposing team is allowed to choose who the WCP replaces on both sides of the ball
NFLLawDog2: well, given
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: so it all comes down to the most versatile player
NFLLawDog2: now once the opposing team chooses the players to take off the field
they have the option of taking one of those players for themselves but then the pendulum swings and the original team gets to choose who to take off and gets to choose one of those players for themselves and the pendulum swings again
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: i just caution the opposing team against laughing like pigs when they put a kicker at the other team's qb spot, and then a quick-kick on 3rd and short pins them deep, and of course, there's always the option to play a Harry Potter-inspired chess match instead in which the starting offenses and defenses take the board
NFLLawDog2: oh well obviously
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and coaches move them like pawns, LITERALLY
NFLLawDog2: but, here's the thing - only certain teams will even spend the money to build the chess board and so that option will only be available in certain places
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well certainly, your bigger market teams are going to have that option first, and that's just a matter of economics, the more savvy owners should get that kind of competitive advantage. all things being equal, this comes down to the respective owners in a match of wits anyway
NFLLawDog2: precisely
eventually, teams will start building coalitions against one another
you could likely see a vikings-giants coalition versus a packers-cowboys coalition
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well, what is the nfl if it's not a 32-man game of Monopoly, which allows mergers and acquisitions
NFLLawDog2: i haven't the foggiest
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: precisely. so if each team is starting at the 20 with the above provisions, how could the overtime system possibly be unfair to any team, coach, city, or fan?
NFLLawDog2: it can't. small market teams with the ability to reach across to big market players
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: it's called poltics. reaching across the isle
NFLLawDog2: undoubtedly
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: swinging the pendulum
NFLLawDog2: this is NFLUtopia
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: arching the back
NFLLawDog2: teasing the nips
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well, i'm glad we got that settled so we can finally see Redskins-Bills Round 2
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: the problem [read: solution] of course will come when one of the teams pulls out the little known loophole that the game can be switched to a different sport at the home team's discretion so that overtime may all of a sudden be Capitals-Sabers Superbowl on Ice Round 1
NFLLawDog2: ooh ouch well again it depends on the venue's amenities
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: that's going to require some coordination between leagues, but this is America we're talking about here. this is doable
NFLLawDog2: are you kidding? America is the home of synergy. one hand helping the other. fat cats being fat cats
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: people helping people. and if there can't be more coordination between professional sports than there is today, then we've got a very real, stark problem facing the future of American athletics. stork problem! we MUST include zoos, specifically aviaries in this to get more animal lovers interested in sports. that's what it all boils down to in the end, catering to the tree-hugging animal-loving Humanists
NFLLawDog2: well, maybe we can give PETA a team. we'll be killing 12 or 13 pigs per football now rather than 1 just to appease the anti-PETAs
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: Exactly! That's just the kind of joke PETA will NOT go for. the very reason we must censor what media gets to the PETA team. PETA will have a team, but knowing those snivelling, conniving, Loki-esque tricksters, we'll see 22 African Lions facing the Detroit Lions on opening day
NFLLawDog2: right ... joke
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: one thing we must make clear in the new overtime rules - there cannot be anti-animal testing rallies during the game
NFLLawDog2: well obviously. PETA fans are like DC. they get to watch, but can't actually participate in the voting process so they don't get a WCP
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: yeah, we don't need 4 "no more animal testing" votes
NFLLawDog2: exactly
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: but it's a tradeoff for their not having any species restrictions on their roster
NFLLawDog2: yeah good point
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: if we could go back in time, Henry Clay wouldn't hesitate to put his stamp of approval on this assuming we could sufficiently explain every aspect of football to him in a timely manner without making so much of an impact that we create an alternate timeline where football is a completely different game and a new overtime system must be created, an overtime system conceived in liberty
NFLLawDog2: god you're right
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: we must be careful
NFLLawDog2: the paradox itself is irony
or maybe the irony itself is paradox
or maybe that neither is both or both is neither is something else altogether
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: that reminds me. the butthole steelers will be changed to the butthole ironers and they'll be the league's laundry service
NFLLawDog2: whew
i thought you meant that our time excursion had negated the existence of carbon-infusion
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: and instead of getting to play on Sundays, they can get bad sunburns and have painful skins all season long. no, this will not affect the Bessemer process in any way
NFLLawDog2: thank goodness
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: certain events are destined to happen, regardless of any outside influences. steel processing was one of those. Philip Rivers flying instead of taking his first step was another
NFLLawDog2: well given
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: another caveat to the new system of course would be that the Redskins, Bills, and Chargers automatically win any overtime game they're in
NFLLawDog2: any GAME they're in, of course
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: if it's head to head between any of the 3, it's a "Let's Make a Deal" contest between the 2 complete with Skin-scared Mandel and creepy blacked-out banker guy
NFLLawDog2: with the third being the banker
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well obviously, but they should be called the Overseer or Watcher
NFLLawDog2: yeah, the Watchseer
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: the Overcher (pronounced Overture), there'd have to be some sort of Rossini or Copeland theme to the overtime, but all in good fun!
NFLLawDog2: of course
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: in the end, Philip Rivers, the Redskins, and the Bills split every Super Bowl until the end of time. the regular season and playoffs are just formalities to keep the Democrats happy
NFLLawDog2: well of course, you gotta keep those DEMS happy
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: recent research suggests that approximately half of football fans are Democrats. that's almost 50% of the fan base. i for one don't think we should be alienating a near majority of spenders, which is what a fair overtime system comes down to - keeping middle America happy and decreasing the gap between Main St and Wall St
NFLLawDog2: when you're right you're right
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: John Wall St. The traitor. The bastard.
NFLLawDog2: he's a CRIMINAL
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: he'll never EVER see the bright beautiful lights of an NFL overtime extravaganza because he'll be in prison, not winning NCAA championships at NCWOLFPACKU
NFLLawDog2: oh man, the DANCERS dancing away the night
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: oh, the dancers. the entertainers. the gambling!
NFLLawDog2: the GAMBLING! oh it will be so beautiful
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: 50 fans will be chosen at random from each team and sent to Vegas. they'll have exactly the same amount of time as the game lasts to gamble as they see fit and the aggregate winnings of each team will be added to the game's final score
NFLLawDog2: correction WE will be sent to Vegas and given all the moneys the NFL has to gamble as we see fit
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: well, you and i clearly will have to be the Master Watchseer Overcher Gamblers, which will allow us to develop our overtime roulette system
but that's to be kept secret from Goodell
NFLLawDog2: he'll be dealt with soon enough
NFLRulesCommitteeMan1: we must bury it deep within the rules so that no amount of lawyering will uncover it until it's too late! our gambling will be the very spark plug that gets the league's profits soaring just to stay afloat from our massive gambling losses. it's called incentive. something communists will never understand
that's why there's no NFL is Red China, and why North Korea doesn't have any top draft prospects year in and year out
NFLLawDog2: it’s free real estate.

Change. Progress. Hope. You heard it here first.

Joanna Krupa signs with NE Patriots

2009-06-26T22:12:00.008-04:00

BOSTON - Following her appearance on ABC's "Superstars," The Boston Globe is reporting that model Joanna Krupa has signed a three(3) year multi-million dollar deal with football's New England Patriots. Though the terms of the contract are not yet disclosed, it is believed that New England head coach Bill Belichick intends to use her as a defensive back, opposite cornerback Shawn Springs as a means to completely shut down Terrell Owens, of the division rival Buffalo Bills.

Though calls to Krupa's agent were not immediately returned, members of the Patriots organization are already excited for her arrival and welcome her with open arms. Said LB Adalius Thomas, "We're absolutely thrilled to have her here. Anytime you bring on such a versatile athlete, you add a whole new dimension to your game."

However, Krupa's transition to pro football will not be without growing pains. "Well, she will have to put in a lot of work to pick up our defensive zones and schemes; and there will certainly be an adjustment to the pro game. But I'm very confident that she will catch on quickly and become an immediate impact player. She's already shown her ability with the way she handled [Terrell] Owens, and he's one of the best. That's why she's here" said Belichick.

Between former Redskin Shawn Springs and Krupa, the Patriots figure to have a potent 1-2 punch vs TO. As fate would have it, Springs and Owens have played in the same division throughout their careers, so Springs knows a thing or two about shutting down the prolific receiver. "We train together every offseason. I've been shutting [Owens] down for years now. Didn't you see it last year when we played in Dallas? I'm built for this. With Joanna added to the mix, I'd be surprised if he caught anything other than an [butt]-whoopin" Springs said.

Only the season can tell what is in store for Owens and the Patriots, but for now the word in Boston is "Anticipation." Check out the video below to see Krupa hone her craft.

-Brandon

PS. Hamptons Roads Bills. We can now embed video. How do you like us now?

Jim Zorn: Mayne Event

2009-06-18T22:50:00.002-04:00

This is dated from last year but it is absolutely worth a watch: Jim Zorn: Mayne Event

Also, sorry, but I fail at actually posting video here, apparently.

Brandon

First(ish) Strike

2009-06-18T21:30:00.004-04:00

Hello Loyal GRGGD Reader(s),

I'd like to welcome a new site to the American Football blogosphere. That site is The Hampton Roads Bills

Why is a blog about a team of perennial failures that is always the brides maid and never the bride that nobody cares about getting welcomed by GRGGD you ask? Well, occasional (once) GRGGD guest blogger JP Losman UFL #1!! happens to be himself a Bills fan and has decided to work primarily from The Hampton Roads Bills. And, in the comments of one of their postings, he jammed us up a little bit. We here at GRGGD think a blog is not a blog unless there is a rival blog to occasionally spar with. Since we don't associate with any NFC East fans (due to their inability to form complete sentences), why not form a rivalry with a non-division, non-conference opponent? Also, it's a way to whore out our site to get more traffic. Our philosophy has always been "Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy," so without further ado:

Super Bowl XXVI. Jan 26, 1992. Probably glazed over by most Bills fans because it lies in the middle of four(4) consecutive Super Bowl losses. This particular one, however, was completely one-sided. The Ultimates, led by dead ringer for Captain America Mark Rypien, amassed a devastating 37 - 10 lead with 6 minutes left when Coach Gibbs decided to take pity and field a team consisting entirely of sleds, crash test dummies, and tire swings. The Bills managed to get past four(4) Jim Kelly interceptions to score two(2) touchdowns to make the final score 37 - 24. In the post game comments, Coach Gibbs said of Bills Coach Marv Levy, "I felt bad because, he's just a little turd out there. He can't call plays, he can't run a team...he's just a little turd. Also, he has fat elbows. "

You Heard it Here First,

Brandon

The Greatest Current NFL Uniforms

2009-05-08T00:35:00.012-04:00

QUITE Honestly, I'd really like to go back through the pages of time and consider everybody in this contest, but that is just way too much of a task for me to undertake. So, without further ado, here are my top five(5) favorite uniforms from the here and now:

#5: Detroit Lions

Ok Ok.. Say what you will about their talent, record, former GM, owner, future, past, present, and 401k plan, but their uniforms are sliiiiiiiick. Light metalic-ish blue and gray are all the rage. Plus, their new logo (not shown) depicts a much more defined lion striking fear into the hearts of all opponents. Seriously.

#4: San Francisco 49ers

Please note, this is not a recent picture. The past few years the 49ers, who are one of the classic teams of my generation, decided they should add some black to their standard "fire engine" red and gold to create a "blood-ish" red and gold. It didn't work. Their new uniforms revert back to the days of yore. Back when Montana was throwing story book passes to Rice and Ronnie Lott was pretty much destroying everything in his line of sight. I love it.

#3: Green Bay Packers

I did not post a picture of Brett Favre for a reason, so don't ask. But anyway, The Packer's jerseys and logo have pretty much not changed at all since the team was created in 1919. I absolutely respect that. Green and gold go great together and the team is steadfast, resolute and vigilant in sticking with their guns. Great job, Pack.

#2: Washington Redskins

Of course the Skins show up on this list. But look at that uniform, how can they not? These are classics, undergoing minimal changes throughout the years. Burgandy and Gold is as American as apple pie as far as I'm concerned. I truthfully (and I'd like to think without bias) think these are among tops in the NFL but...

#1: San Diego Chargers

One caveat: This is only true of the gorgeous powder blue uniforms you see above, not the navy blue ones they mostly wear. All right, I realize that I will get a lot of flack (if anyone ever actually reads this) from Redskins fans for putting these uniforms at #1; but one look at them and you realize they are the truth. I cannot think of their equal. If the Egyptians could have created the pyramids in this color, they would have. They would've been fools not to. Part of me secretly wishes that one day a storied Redskin (think: Darrell Green in status) will spend the one last year of his career with The Chargers so I can have an excuse to buy one of these jerseys. Of course, then I hope said player would jam Reebok by going back to the Redskins before ever playing a down for the Chargers. Reebok has to sell the jerseys at clearance prices. I win.

Cheap Jerseys,

-Brandon

Aliens Invade Earth; Aliens Are Redskins Fans

2009-05-05T15:51:00.006-04:00

Dear Meadowlands,
Eff U.
Love,
Keanu Reeves, and the Rest of the Aliens from "The Day the Earth Stood Still."

PS. Sorry Jets, but thank you for taking Patrick Ramsey

-Brandon + Guest Blogger Salil

Free Agency '09: The Wind of Change

2009-03-04T16:51:00.006-05:00

FOR Starters, Thank you to Hogs Haven for providing the above image which perfectly describes The Redskins Offseason thus far. Hogs Haven: "A Lot Better than GRGGD!"

That being said, it continues to be an eventful offseason for the 'Skins. The most recent moves are bringing back OG Derrick Dockery after two(2) years in Buffalo and releasing DE ~~Dr. Manhattan~~ ~~That Guy that Played Xerxes in 300~~ Jason Taylor after only one(1) year. We here at GRGGD would like to say welcome home Doc, it's good to have you back.

It comes as a bit of a surprise that Jason Taylor was given his walking papers after only one(1) year in which he placed second on Dancing with the Stars, got into a fight with Bill Parcells at his former team in Miami because he spent the offseason dancing instead of training, got traded to The Redskins for two(2) future draft picks and a nice lump sum of Ca$h, missed half of the season battling injuries including a sprained knee and a rare calf injury that no one had ever heard of and probably never will again, and was due to cost the team a cool 8 million in the '09 season. Yep. Surprising to say the least.

But in actuality, it was the opinion of most (myself included) that Taylor was ready to come back for the '09 year, and that with some of the upgrades the team has made, this would have been a more on par year for the veteran. That was until Redskins frontmen Daniel Snyder and Vinny Cerrato requested that the $500,000 bonus that Taylor was due to receive be converted into an exercise, health and wellness bonus where if he showed up for 29 of the teams offseason workouts, the cheddar was his. Taylor balked at this request (for those keeping track at home, that amounts to $17,241 per workout) and was dropped like a sack of dirt by the team. This leaves us with some holes to fill on the defensive line, but also with a little bit of money to do it.

You Heard it Here First,

-B

*Editors note: It is almost statistically impossible that you actually heard it here first*

Free Agency '09: The Redskins Accomplish a lot in the First Five(5) Hours

2009-02-27T20:57:00.008-05:00

Today at 12:00 am was the start of Free Agency '09. By 5:00 am, The ~~Justice League~~ Redskins succeeded in spending a staggering Infinity-Million Dollars. The 'Skins Department of Redundancy Department reports that CB DeAngelo Hall signed a 6 year 54 million dollar deal worth 54 million dollars. Hall has experience wearing the Burgandy and Gold, after finishing the last half of the '08 season with the team and doing a pretty solid job. He snagged 2 interceptions in the final 7 games with the team, which is exactly 2 more than FB Mike Sellers had all year.

The other big signing was for this man:

Yes, we signed the guy standing in this picture. DT Albert Haynesworth was signed to a record contract said to be worth $ Texas. This, of course, roughly translates to 100 mill over 7 years. Easily the Belle of the '09 Draft Ball, the Haynesworth Purchase immediately improves the Redskins Defense. There have been several concerns raised by "respectable" interweb writers that Haynesworth has never played a full season in his 7 year career and cannot play on 100% of the defensive snaps. Here at GRGGD, we argue that when you are a 320 lb man, and your job is crouch down, and then run full force into at least two(2) if not three(3) other 300+ lb men who are also running at you; and then repeat this about 30 times a day, that you are entitled to a little bit of rest here and there. So slag off, alright?

To make salary room to sign these two players, CB Shawn Springs was cut after five(5) seasons with the team. He was a standout player and although aging, was still dominant when healthy. GRGGD has a lot of love for #24, but after playing only nine(9) games last year, it is time to part ways. We wish him all the best; unless he gets picked up by an NFC East team. In that case, screw him.

As with any free agent signings, it is really impossible to tell what the impact will be until the season actually starts. The Redskins under owner Daniel Snyder have had a history of signing high dollar free agent players that turned out to be turds. Instead of naming names, let me just say this:

Anyway, who's to say what will happen in October and beyond; so for now let's just sit back and see what comes out of this.

-B

Marcus Washington: We Hardly Knew Ye

2009-02-21T20:30:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since we've truthed out everyones hearts here at GRGGD. I'd offer an explanation, but we all know (both of us) that it's better to just get straight to business.

The Hero Squad (read: Redskins) released Linebacker Marcus Washington yesterday after a disappointing '08 season plagued by injuries. With free agency and the draft fast approaching, Washington became one of several casualties (including storied punter Ryan Plackemeier) to feel the economic crunch caused by the recession. Washington played five (5) seasons with the Redskins. This leaves current backup LB H.B. Blades, who is noted for having the most bad-ass name in all of sports, as the likely candidate for starting strong side LB. This is of course, unless Redskins front office succeeds in bringing Lawrence Taylor and Dick Butkus out of retirement to compete for the starting job.

On a more serious personal note; while this was a down year for Marcus Washington, he will be missed. He was a leading presence in the locker room and on the field. He is the all time leading Redskin in the categories of in-between-plays and during-timeout dances. Those dances were the stuff of legend. They forced kings to their knees and caused oceans to boil. My favorite Marcus Washington moment is when we played the Giants back in '06. The Giants had gotten off to an early lead, when a war-party of dragons descended upon the field and started lighting. shit. up. Un-phased, Washington learned the language of the dragons and befriended them. He made peace between humans and dragons (for now). Thank you, Marcus Washington. Thank you. We here at GRGGD appreciate the five (5) years you gave us and wish you the best with wherever your travels take you from here. You heard it here first.

-Brandle

2008-12-28T23:14:00.004-05:00

Guest Blog: I Got A Lot of Problems With You JP

2008-12-14T20:15:00.004-05:00

Let me preface this post. I am Jesse, the insanely well-endowed, yet temporarily ED-esque impacted roommate of omnipotent blog creators Brandle, Walker and TJ. However, unlike said GRGGD originators, I am FAR from a Redskins fan. Unfortunately, I've had the pleasure of being a lifelong fan of everyone's favorite lovable losers, the Buffalo Bills.

We of the wide right field goal losers to the Giants in Super Bowl XXV; three straight ass-kicking homos in the following three SB's (one to the miserable Mark 'pot-faced, fugly ass QB' Rypien-led Redskins),; Homerun Throwback losers to the Titans in the 2000 playoffs which has since led to nine consecutive seasons of no playoffs berths; terrible, terrible losers to the Cowboys in our first MNF showing since colorized television in 2007; wide-right losers to the effing Browns and no touchdowns in back-to-back games against the 49ers and god damn Dolphins on that silly 110-yard CFL field in Toronto this season, Buffalo Bills.

Then today happened. Jonathan Paul Losman and his fragile, female grip happened. JPLo fumbled and threw away Buffalo's last chance at a playoff bid today in a 31-27 loss to the Jets. Runner-up FU to Jon Corto, who nullified Leo McKelvin's sweet-ass 100-yard would-be game-winning kickoff return in the 4th.

HOWEVER...JP, I'm gonna come at you, and only you, like a spider monkey. Way to spruce up that free-agency resume of yours, tell me how NFL Europa or AFL works out for you next year. Oh yeah, they aren't playing next year. Good luck in the CFL too, after that limp-wristed, piss-poor performance in Toronto last week.

Go party with Plax and Marshawn (no offense, you beast of a RB you) and get shot and run over simultaneously, all while us crazy Bills fans hurl full cans of ice-cold PBR at your Kyle Orton look-alike dome, your neard-wearing son-of-a-bitch. FU JPLo, FU. I'm tired.

Also got problems with JP? Air your laundry at http://www.jplosman7.com/ssp/inquiries.

--Jesse

At Least Mike Sellers Probably Permanently Injured the Bengals Kicker

2008-12-14T20:04:00.002-05:00

So the Skins played like absolute turds. Complete, absolute, all-encompassing, infinity turds. We here at GRGGD have a proposition that no one on the offense should be allowed to touch the ball except for Santana Moss. We're thinking something like "Direct snap to Santana Moss.....Moss drops back and throws DEEEEEP downfield and it's CAUGHT BY SANTANA MOSS!!!" The ball was in the air for 89 yards, he threw the ball really high. So he could run and catch it. You heard it here first.

--Brandle

I'm Sick Of:

2008-12-07T23:32:00.000-05:00

-The Lavender coats the Ravens' Coaching staff wears
-John Madden saying "Widgets and Gadgets"
-The Redskins active roster being replaced by the JV cheerleading squad from a local High School
-That ridiculous hat that that bitch Andrea Kramer is wearing. She looks like a melted skeletor-iced cream face
-That Bitch Andrea Kramer said "Ball Hawk" again. You heard it here first
-Michael Phelps wearing the same scarf as the woman next to him; with his hat turned to the "2 o'clock" position
-Studies proving that Ducat has the worst smelling shit/farts ever
-Sunday Night Football ending it's broadcast with a close up of the moon for some reason. Like a telescope type close up
-Leo Looking like John Harbaugh
-Oh, and The Murderers cheating their way to victor

--Brandon and Walker; and not TJ, because he is pregnant

Willis McGahee has 2 cheeks

2008-12-07T22:52:00.001-05:00

Did you guy(s) see that fumble replay? I saw McGahee's ass.

It was hottt.

Love,
walker

p.s. Ray Lewis is a murderer.

Redskins-Ravens: Thoughts at Halftime

2008-12-07T21:53:00.000-05:00

-My pregame prediction (see: earlier post) is still right on pace
-The dude from "Heros" has a weird face
-John Harbaugh still looks like a ham. Still.
-I did not know Terrell Owens hunted cheetahs....his press conference proves otherwise
-Everyone that does Sunday Night Football for NBC is terrible.
-The referees at this game are cheaters and clear opponents of freedom
-The main theme from "Jurassic Park" is really good football highlight music
-We're still pissed off at Ducat
-It's easy to be winning at halftime when your defensive leader is a murderer
-If I hear the words "Ball" and "Hawk" used within 3 words of each other ever again...you heard it here first.

--Brandon and Walker; not TJ. Because he's stupid. And he went to bed early. You heard it here first. Go Batman.

Player Profile: London Fletcher

2008-12-06T20:53:00.000-05:00

Vitals:
Gender: Male
Age: Unknown
Height: 5'10
Weight: 245
Weight (With Members of Opposing Offenses Attached to Business end of Shoe): ~464
Weight (While Helping Orphaned Children Fly Like "Superman" to Slam Dunk a Basketball): ~301

Classification:

Specimen is most widely known as the Middle Linebacker for the Washington Redskins (see: freedom, justice, truth). However, he is also known by several other aliases, including Professor Courage and Sir London: The Steadfast and Resolute.

Recent History:
After scoring 900 on an IQ test, Fletcher traveled to England where he rescued 78 victims from a burning ICU at The Mid Yorkshire Hospital. He was then knighted by Queen Elizabeth II as Sir London (see: aliases). Later that day, after swimming back to The US and being bitten in the ribs by several sharks, Fletcher led the Washington Redskins in tackles, sacks, forced fumbles, passes defended, quarterback scares*, interceptions, touchdowns, rival mascots lit on fire with a flaming arrow*, and creative yet legal touchdown celebrations against the hated division rival Philadelphia Eagles.

Other:
Fletcher is completely impervious to pain and has a moral code which is higher than yours and cannot be broken. His autobiography, Silentium (Eagle Publishing; Washington, DC), consists of 267 blank pages because it is not yet possible to translate his thoughts into the words of man. Sculptures and statues built in his likeness that are centuries old are scattered throughout most of civilized Earth.

*Not officially recognized NFL statistics*

--Brandon

Green Eggs and John Harbaugh Looks Like Ham

2008-12-05T12:52:00.000-05:00

DEC 8, 11:34 am EST

WASHINGTON, DC (AP)-In an unprecedented decision, the Washington Champion Heroic Redskins and Baltimore Please Don't Shoot, Stab, and Rape me Ravens agreed to have a one-on-one head coaches game of two-hand tag football instead of the previously scheduled Sunday night game in Crimetown, MD. The decision was reached after every member of the Redskins active roster decided rather than to attend the game to volunteer their time at local Boys & Girls Clubs teaching Washington, DC urban youth how to lift weights, play guitar, do barrel rolls, and pledge allegiance to the Flag. Due to 47 players of the Ravens roster being held in custody by authorities for multiple counts of theft, blasphemy, vegetarianism, and cowardice, the Ravens were also unable to field a team and the decision was reached to allow the head coaches to battle it out.

Redskins head coach Jim Zorn remained in his street clothes - burgundy leather chaps, shirtless, gold jetpack, and a machine gun - his demeanor was cool and confident as he dismounted his steed for kickoff, looking much the part of the head coach of the most patriotic sports franchise in America. Problems continued to mount, however, for the beleaguered Ravens as the team was unable to locate a ham-shaped helmet for coach John Harbaugh's notoriously oddly shaped head. Officials discussed the issue and determined the only safe option was for Harbaugh to drive a "Gator" lawn maintenance vehicle covered with pillows, while Zorn remained biped. Despite the apparent advantage, Zorn came out on top after adjusting to an early Harbaugh field goal-ending drive by recording an NFL record 52 consecutive safeties, final score 104-3.

Zorn was unavailable for comment following the game. Harbaugh refused to comment to the press other than saying, "[Coach] Zorn is a man. A man who can tackle a moving vehicle...I'm not. I'm soft. I lost."

--walker

I Wish We Started This Blog When Chris Cooley Posted a Picture of His Dick on the Internet

2008-12-01T21:29:00.003-05:00

Seriously, what the fuck is he taking pictures of the team's playbook for anyway?

--TJ

Early Prediction for Redskins vs. Ravens: Sunday, December 7th

2008-12-01T21:15:00.000-05:00

M & T Bank Stadium;
Baltimore, Maryland

In an unprecedented performance, Jason Campbell throws for 447 touchdowns in the second half, after being a relative non-factor in the first half of play. This catapults Jason Campbell into the number one spot on the career touchdowns list. Suck it Brett Favre and Dan Marino. Redskins go on to win 3132 to 17. You heard it here first.

--Brandon

Santana Moss, Why Would You Ever Punch Someone's Helmet?

2008-12-01T20:56:00.000-05:00

Lo ve ne,

--Brandon

Tony Siragusa Loves Ribs

2008-12-01T20:49:00.001-05:00

If you are a wide receiver in the NFL, your job is to catch the ball. It is unacceptable, especially while wearing those velcro-ey-fancy-smancy city gloves, to drop a pass. That is like Tony Siragusa dropping half a rack of ribs at Damons.

--Walker

Jessica Simpson is the Worst Girlfriend Ever

2008-12-01T20:39:00.000-05:00

I was watching the Redskins Giants game on Sunday, and for absolutely no reason at all during the Redskins Giants game on Sunday, they started posting stats about Tony Romo. That got me thinking, everybody has signs when the Cowboys come to town that say "Tony Homo," or "Tony Romo is a Homo," or "Tony Romo Gargles Balls." That sort of thing. I think I would make a sign that just BLASTS Tony Romo in the ass for dating Jessica Simpson. I think a few good choices would be:

Hey Tony, Nick Lachey Fucked Her First

Hey Tony, Jessica's Box Got Beat Out by Nick Lachey

Hey Tony, Did You Know that Jessica Simpson Used to Have Sex With Nick Lachey Before You? And She Probably Still Talks to Him on the Phone From Time to Time?

--TJ